Finding the love to run

Running and I have this intense love/hate relationship that I just can't get over.  This morning, while out on the road and about 8 minutes into my 25 minute jog, I began picturing myself as this living yin and yang symbol, with two opposite sides coming together to create one experience.  In one moment, the run is smooth, easy, almost meditative.  I suck in the early morning air and bask in its perfect temperature, relish the feeling of my muscles working, and fall into pace along with my music.  When Lady Gaga comes on, watch out; the momentum and ease is even better.  And I love the opportunity to enjoy the outdoors before the rush of the day begins.  But, in another moment, the strain pushes the meditative calm away.  My breath becomes haggard and I struggle to get my rhythm and pace back.  My lungs expand and contract quickly, too quickly.  My legs start to feel heavy.  I wonder if I should stop.  My mind tells me to stop, that I can't do this, that it's too much.  Most of the time, I manage to slow down, find my pace and push these Debbie Downer thoughts away, telling myself I can do this, and I will.  My own determination to compete with myself and to always improve overrides the negativity, and I get through the moment and deem myself successful. 

Today, the third day of my 25 minute run, I did stop.  And oh was I mad.  Tuesday's run was great, fantastic.  Sunday's was also a win.  In fact, with each workout, I have been feeling myself improve.  But today was a struggle.  I was initially hesitant when I walked out my door and headed down the street, knowing last night was a late night to bed and this aggravating blister on the arch of my right foot had the potential to really annoy me for the duration of the run.  Despite that, my warm-up walk was brisk, and the early part of my run was somewhat quicker paced and felt smooth, easy.  Possibly too quick and too smooth and easy.  The quick, heavy breathing set in sooner and the negative thoughts felt heavier, making it more difficult to find my pace.  So I stopped and walked and wondered why on earth I put myself through this.     

I have never really been a runner.  In gym class...oh, excuse me, physical education, I always hated when it came time to do the dreaded Presidential Fitness Test, in which the class had to run a mile and try to meet a particular standard to show good, or even superior, physical and athletic health.  I HATED running and now I had to run a mile??  Why am I being tortured??  Someone kill me, please.  Why did I hate running so much?  Because I simply wasn't good at it.  My endurance was poor and so was my speed.  I struggled.  It was tedious.  I couldn't do the whole thing without stopping to walk at some point or two or three.  And watching those particularly athletic boys and girls finish their mile in 6 or 7 minutes with such ease really got me.  I couldn't come anywhere near those numbers.  I consequently felt like a failure.  This is not an acceptable feeling for someone who largely strives for success and accomplishment.  Therefore, I decided that not only did I hate running and but that running hated me. 

This attitude followed me throughout school, into college and adulthood.  In my last year of college, I began working out fairly consistently at the campus's gym, my friend and I trekking from our apartment building in the woods to the athletic center early in the morning.  We immediately gravitated towards a stationary bike or elliptical, with barely any hesitation; I hardly ever stepped foot on a treadmill.  I used the track or treadmill probably less than a handful of times during my entire college experience.  After college, and after joining and paying for my own gym membership, I began to use the treadmill more often, wondering if I could get myself to like running, even love it.  I mostly did intervals, and occasionally built up to some steady jogging.  I was still slow, but I began to discover that rhythm, that meditative pacing that makes you want more.  That would be when our dysfunctional I love you, I hate you relationship began.

Since then, running and I have been on an inconsistent roller coaster, with fast paced progress intertwined with broken down stalling.  There have been months when my running has been consistent, progressive, and motivated.  Following those months have been days of too cold or too tired mornings, lazy Saturdays and Sundays that call for time spent making and eating pancakes or waffles instead of getting to the gym.  The routine and pressure I put on myself become too heavy to maintain and hold, so I put it all aside.  And soon the muscles forget the routine and the strength to maintain that meditative pace, and I'm back to square one. 

As much as I may hate running at the hardest times, I hate square one even more.  So back to that question that hung over me as I took a walking break this morning: Why on earth do I put myself through this?  Why bother?  Because I want to.  I want to prove to myself that I can do this.  I'm not an overtly competitive person, but I'm highly competitive with myself.  I have told myself for years that I can't run and run well, but I know that I can.  I may need to be patient, I may need to allow myself to have those off days like this morning, and I may need to remember that my progress could be slower than I would like.  But I want to do this.  I want to have the craving, the desire to go for a run, tie on my sneakers, step out my door, and go.  I don't want to have to drive to the gym, zone out on an elliptical machine and feel my feet go numb from the same exact movement over and over.  I want that rush of accomplishment every time I run more than I did last time, or maybe a little faster than I did last time.  I want to fall into that easy, smooth, meditative pace easier and for longer and longer periods of time, with Lady Gaga blasting in my ears, or not.  I want this and I'm determined to have it.      

To prevent burn out this time and falling into the I'm too tired or I'm too sore excuses, I'm using a well-tested program, which I've never done before.  Couch to 5K has been a great training regimen which has really allowed me to progress at a reasonable pace and steadily increase my endurance and time.  A few weeks ago, doing intervals of three or five minute runs was a struggle.  Now I'm somehow up to 25 minutes at a time.  Pretty freaking amazing, if I do say so myself.  I'd highly recommend it for other new runners who want a challenge, to build up their progress, and would like a plan to follow.  It doesn't require, or even suggest, daily runs, instead encouraging time for your body to recover and gain strength.  Today was Week 7, Day 3 of the 9 week program.  Saturday will be my next run.  The next step will be Week 8, Day 1, which is a 28 minute run.  I'm a little hesitant after falling back today, so I'm wondering if I should repeat the 25 minute interval before stepping up (repeating a week or day is also encouraged, if necessary).  Whatever I decide, I know one thing: I will kick its (and my) ass.                    


      

Falling for tempeh

The first time I cooked tempeh, it was a waste of time and effort.  Most of it found its way into the trash.  For those who have never tried it, tempeh is made from cooked and fermented soybeans and can be found with the tofu and other refrigerated vegetarian products in most grocery stores.  I have to say that it really is not all that visually appealing.  It's molded into a thin rectangular block and is wrinkled and bumpy from the soybeans.  I remember wrinkling my nose more than a little when I first opened a package of it.  It looked strange, felt strange, and I had a difficult time imagining how it was going to act as a tasty meat substitute.    And I really wasn't too sure how to prepare it.  I had read that it's often good marinated and sauteed in soy sauce and garlic, so I attempted to do just that.  I cut the block in half, made a soy marinade, let it sit for a while, and sauteed it.  The end result was less than pleasing.  The taste was overpowering, a strange combination of salty soy sauce and bitter soybeans.  Nothing desirable.  I was really disappointed, because tempeh is one of those vegetarian and vegan staples.  It's high in protein, filling, and found in many recipes, particularly those that are acting as meat substitutes.  I was bummed to think that it might be lost to me forever. 

Thankfully, I recently found the recipe that made me a tempeh convert.  Anyone who ventures into veganism and decides to learn how to cook vegan food has likely heard of Isa Chandra Moskowitz and her website and blog Post Punk Kitchen.  She is the co-author of the renowned vegan cookbook Veganomicon, which is a must have for vegans, in my opinion, and will be on my must buy list as soon as my current copy goes back to the library.  Moskowitz has also written a number of other popular cookbooks that I have yet to try, including Vegan with a Vengeance and Vegan Cupcakes Take Over the World (which I also borrowed from the library and can't wait to try).  Her latest adventure in vegan cuisine is Appetite for Reduction: 125 Fast and Filling Low-Fat Vegan Recipes.  This book is absolutely largely responsible for the recent accumulation of hours spent in my kitchen.  Her recipes are diverse and interesting without being too complicated.  The bonus is that they're healthy and tasty, with lots of flavor from spices and sauces, which I love.   

Here's the recipe that showed me the tempeh love: Tamarind BBQ Tempeh and Sweet Potatoes.  It will definitely end up in our regular dinner rotation.  Instead of becoming overcome with bitterness and saltiness, I really loved the taste of tempeh in this recipe.  It was nutty and hearty and really absorbed the fantastic BBQ sauce marinade.  The sauce is the star here, I would say; it's sweet and spicy and becomes caramelized, really coating the tempeh and sweet potatoes.  While I don't want to detract anyone who may want to try this for an amazing plant-based dinner, a few of the ingredients were admittedly difficult to track down.  I had a hard time finding tamarind concentrate in the mainstream and even natural grocery stores, but I did find it at a small local Asian grocery shop.  I found liquid smoke at a local natural foods store (great in other bbq-themed dishes, too).  Arrowroot powder, which acts as a thickener for the sauce, similar to corn starch, can be found in the baking sections of grocery stores or in natural foods stores.  Putting in the extra time and effort to find these less common ingredients is worth it, trust me.   

KEY HINT:  Before doing anything with the tempeh, Moskowitz suggests steaming it for 10 minutes in order to help eliminate the bitter taste that is not very appealing for some people (including me).  She states it also helps the tempeh to really soak up the marinade.  I've done this trick the two times I've cooked tempeh since my initial failure and have had successes both times, so I definitely recommend it.   

Per Moskowitz's suggestion, I also made her Polenta Stuffing, and it was a delicious accompaniment.  I had never had polenta but really enjoyed the gritty corn meal taste and texture with the BBQ sauce.  I found it in the natural foods section of our local mainstream grocery store.  It was packaged in a plastic tube, precooked, so all I had to do was dice and saute.

Enjoy!       


Tamarind BBQ Tempeh & Sweet Potatoes
Serves 4

Sauce:
4 cloves garlic, minced
1 tablespoon minced fresh ginger
3/4 cup vegetable broth
2 teaspoons arrowroot dissolved in 1/4 cup water
2 tablespoons tomato paste
1 tablespoon tamarind concentrate
3 tablespoons agave or maple syrup
2 tablespoons soy sauce
1 teaspoon olive oil
1 teaspoon liquid smoke
1/8 teaspoon cayenne (optional)

Everything else:
1 1/2 pounds sweet potatoes, peeled and sliced in 3/4 inch chunks
12 ounces tempeh, cut into 3/4 inch cubes

Spray a 9x13 casserole pan with nonstick cooking spray.  If using glass, then line the bottom with parchment paper to prevent sticking.

In a medium-size mixing bowl, whisk together all the sauce ingredients.  Make sure to get the tamarind dissolved.

Place the sweet potatoes and tempeh in the prepared pan.  Pour the sauce over them and use your hands to coat well.  You can bake immediately or let marinate for at least an hour to get more flavor into the tempeh.  *I definitely suggest allowing it to marinade.  Let it really soak in the flavors of the BBQ sauce. 

When ready to bake, preheat the oven to 400 degrees.  Cover the pan with tinfoil and bake for about 25 minutes.  Remove from the oven and toss out the tinfoil.  Flip the tempeh and sweet potatoes, making sure to scrape the bottom with a spatula in case anything is sticking.  Bake for another half hour, flipping everything once.  The sweet potatoes should be tender but not mushy, and the sauce should be thickened and coating everything.  Serve!

Polenta Stuffing
Serves 4

2 teaspoons olive oil
18 ounces prepared polenta, cut into 3/4 inch cubes
1/2 cup thin sliced celery
1 small onion, cut into 1/2 inch dice
2 cloves garlic, minced
1/4 teaspoon dried sage
1/2 teaspoon dried thyme
Freshly ground black pepper
1/2 teaspoon salt

Preheat a large pan, cast iron if possible, over medium-high heat.  Pour in 1 teaspoon of the oil and coat the bottom of the pan.  Saute the polenta for 12 to 15 minutes, flipping often, until the outsides are lightly browned.  Use some nonstick cooking spray to help you out a bit.

Mix in the celery, onion, garlic, sage, thyme, and pepper, drizzle with the remaining oil, and sprinkle with salt.  Saute for another 7 to 10 minutes, until the onions are browned. 

Making the personal political

An amazing man died today.  He was one of my all-time favorite clients.  I feel a little uneasy admitting to having favorites, but I do.  Like a good social worker, I have absolutely cared greatly for all my past and present clients, even those that made me question my career choice and probably provoked some of my cursed early gray hairs.  But there are those particularly meaningful clients whom I will always remember vividly, those that spring up in my memory randomly and make me stop whatever I'm doing and just wonder.  Often, they are those who have changed me for the better, personally and professionally.  He was one of them.  I remember feeling bowled over by his gumption the first time I met him.  This was a man who knew what he wanted and didn't hesitate to say what it was.  He made things happen.  He knew what and who he loved, and had the nerve, the guts, to go after what he wanted and actually make it happen.  Years ago, he began a support group in Massachusetts for others with his same type of rare cancer, as one did not exist.  Years later, his small group has become an international association that holds nationwide conferences and support group networks all over.  While dying, he was on a mission to debunk the fears of hospice and make death and dying a loving process by sharing his story with friends, loved ones, and media outlets.  He made it his personal crusade to bring education, hope, and understanding to others.  He turned his personal suffering into a mission for change.     

I thought about him and his legacy after reading this article, which raises the question of individual power and politics in relation to diet.  In other words, is vegetarianism a political position?  The author, a professor of political science, describes the discourse that arises among his students when he teaches a course on the philosophy and politics of food.  While discussing vegetarianism and animal welfare, the author notes that the conversations quickly switch from generalized philosophy and political theory to personal choice.  The prominent question becomes, "Well, are YOU a vegetarian?", aimed at both fellow student and professor.  Interestingly, the author questions the appropriateness of this question, asking if food choices and diet are and can be political.  If you're not standing with PETA or Mercy for Animals, prominently becoming an animal rights activist fighting for policy change, can your choices to abstain from eating meat or animal products be considered politically relevant or meaningful?  Is consumer choice political? 

I say yes.  During each election cycle, massive numbers of would-be voters complain about the lack of power behind their vote, asking what they can do as just one person.  They become disenfranchised from the process and watch as elections are decided by mere hundreds of votes.  Outside of the voting booth, I believe it is possible to use consumerism to demonstrate a person's politics and ethics.  My husband and I do not shop at Wal-Mart because of their business and labor practices, and the social issues which they support.  Wal-Mart may not care if one middle class family takes their money elsewhere, but they would likely care if hundreds or thousands of families did the same.  Ten months ago, I bought Perdue boneless chicken breasts nearly every week.  Now, I buy none.  Again, Perdue may not care much about losing one customer, but if more families protested their factory farming methods with their wallet, then maybe their methods would change.  They would have to.  For now, I'm ok being one of a small number in hopes that someday I will be one of a larger number that will contribute to that change.     
          
I remember when I told my Gramma that I was choosing social work as my career.  She asked, Erin, honey, you know you can't save everybody, right?  Well, I knew that...maybe not everyone.  Later, I learned not even most.  But I knew I was definitely going to try to help as many people as I could, even if it was in the smallest way.  I've seen firsthand over and over again how sometimes the smallest steps can lead to immense gains.  While I may not be throwing cans of red paint at fur wearers on behalf of PETA (yeah, won't be happening, no worries), actively pamphleting on behalf of  Mercy for Animals, or lobbying Congress for more rigid animal welfare policies (not yet, anyway) I feel good knowing that my small choices to buy tofu and tempeh and soy milk can make a difference and send a message.  I think my client would agree.  

What do you think?  Are the choices you make at the grocery store or mall or local shop based on particular politics or ethics or values?  Are you hoping to send a message with how you spend your money?     








   

Journey to Veganville

For many years, welcoming fall to New Hampshire included attending the Deerfield Fair.  Late September didn't feel quite the same without spending the Friday or Saturday night of the fair weekend passing by food stand after food stand and of course visiting the farm animals in all the barns.  For days before the fair, my friends and I would crave the warm, hearty soups in bread bowls, grilled sausages, crispy fried dough, and my favorite, apple crisp surrounded by a melting pool of rich vanilla ice cream.  To rest our stomachs in between courses, my friends and I would walk through the animal barns and see the rows of pigs and cows in their pens, and cage upon cage of hens, roosters, and ducks.  While the smells permeating through the stalls were never pleasant, I loved seeing the huge mother pigs surrounded by their sleeping and nursing babies, as well as the dairy cows with their big brown eyes.  Before entering each barn, I'd feel a little twinge in my gut, reading the signs that told us which animals each one housed: Pork, Beef, Poultry.  While it felt unseemly to refer to the sows and their babies by the meat they offered, the twinge wouldn't last too long, as I was just as ready as my friends to try a buffalo burger or some spaghetti with meat sauce at the next food stand stop.       

For this and so many other reasons, I'm honestly sometimes still surprised that I can call myself a vegan.  Never mind the lack of resemblance to the stereotype of a woman with dreads, wearing flowing peasant skirts, constantly reeking of patchouli; until recently, I could barely call myself environmentally conscious, period.  Organic produce?  Too expensive.  Farmers' markets?  I'll do my one-stop shopping at the grocery store, thanks.  GMO?  Uh, what's that?  As for ethics around animal welfare, sure, I've always loved animals and have cared about their well-being, but, like at the fair, I didn't allow myself to really think about where that chicken in my chicken noodle soup bread bowl came from.  Who wants to think about that?  I did what so many of us do and just pushed aside the uneasy thoughts and questions.  As for adding eggs, dairy products, and animal byproducts to the forbidden list?  While I respected the choice, I didn't understand the reasoning behind it.  How could milking a cow be a bad thing?  And cheese just makes everything better...How could I choose to give up its melty goodness completely?  And, more importantly, why on earth would I want to?  I didn't really get the foundation and reasoning behind vegan philosophy.  I suppose that was because I never tried.        

Then the twinge in my gut and conscience started to become more than just a twinge, and I made the choice to become educated.  I picked up Jonathan Safran Foer's Eating Animals.  I watched the documentary Food, Inc.  I suddenly had a slew of information about all the reasons why eating meat did not match my personal values and ethics, and my eating habits naturally transitioned into informed, conscious decisions.  I became a vegetarian in October 2010.  After gaining a little education, I wanted more.  I read Alicia Silverstone's The Kind Diet and numerous blogs and online articles.  Books piled high on my nightstand.  The only other time that I remember being so engrossed in an issue is when I began identifying as a feminist in my early 20s, eager to proudly wear my "This is What a Feminist Looks Like" t-shirt, no matter the strange looks or eye rolls I received, from both strangers and even friends.  It was as though this switch went on.  I wanted to know more and more, and really couldn't believe all that I hadn't known or recognized.  In March, I went vegan and have been committed to this new lifestyle ever since. 

With these changes in diet and ethics, this past year has been quite the journey.  I now cook vegan dinners for my husband and me most nights each week, introducing our palates and stomachs to formerly unknown ingredients like nutritional yeast, tempeh, and vital wheat gluten.  I've also been on a baking spree, trying new recipes for mini chocolate chip blondies, blueberry muffins, and chocolate zucchini bread, all without the addition of, or need for, eggs or dairy milk.  Instead of dreading being in the kitchen at the end of the work day, for the first time in my life, I actually often look forward to finding and creating a meal that will be tasty, filling, and nutritious.  I have never cooked so much in my life. 

Becoming vegan has not only affected my diet, however.  It has truly been a change in lifestyle.  The ingredients I use to cook and bake are not only obviously meat and animal free, but also mostly organic, which has been complemented by an awareness and effort to find fresh, local foods.  I have started switching many of my personal care and household products to cruelty-free, animal byproduct free versions.  This is still a work in progress.  I have thought more fully about my power as a consumer; do I really want to buy three shirts at Express or maybe save a bit more and buy from an eco-friendly brand or company?  Last, but certainly not least, I have recommitted to physical health and well-being by dedicating myself to complete the Couch to 5K running program.  This has been quite the challenge for someone who has never been a consistent or motivated runner.  But today I began week 7 of the 9 week program, and I am pledging to complete it and progress beyond it.  While my mantra is currently slow and steady, maybe one day I'll even beat my husband at a sprinting competition.  (I can hope!)

With all these changes, and the excitement that has accompanied them, I've had the urge to share my experiences with others.  From a tip on how to make tempeh actually taste, well, good, to passing along a super yummy chocolate chip cookie recipe, or finding support around breaking through the mental battles while running, I'm starting this blog to document my transition to a vegan runner's lifestyle, both the triumphs and challenges.  I will love any comments and input you have to offer, so please post your thoughts, questions, and suggestions!